


Call Out My Name

by nyanonymous



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, But only kind of au, Cannot stress sad ending enough, Experimentation, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Psychological Torture, Sad Ending, Shinji Ikari but he’s more of a top, Surprise they’re both switches, Unrequited Love, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyanonymous/pseuds/nyanonymous
Summary: Tokyo 3, home of the original Evangelion prototypes piloted by dummy plugs and the primary target in the war against Angels. It is here that ordinary high school student Shinji Ikari's life changes forever upon meeting the strange and forward new transfer student, Kaworu Nagisa, whose innocent smile hides a troubling secret.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

_It was a day like any other._

Yeah, right.

Shinji’s attitude was sour from the start. There was no Asuka sitting at the table being incredibly charming with his mother, waiting impatiently for him to get ready for school, no Rei laughing along and poking fun at Asuka's brashness. There was only the quiet greeting from his mother as he came down for breakfast. She wore a small smile and eyed him worriedly for a brief moment as he mumbled back almost dismissively. Shinji supposed he should grateful for that, the silence, the alone time with his mother, at least. They shared the meal in silence, as if his mother, Yui Ikari, could feel that there was something off about him. Shinji appreciated this, offering her a smile in return and a soft word of thanks as he finished up. Shinji dismissed himself from the table then, his face returning to it's former state of melancholy, and left for school without another word.

His walk to school was quiet; a rare occasion that left Shinji in the company of his own thoughts. There was a strong part of him that hated being alone with them, scrutinizing each part of his life as he slowly became aware of it, recounting an occasional memory and considering its worth on him now. He'd been told he was pretty jaded for a fifteen year old boy, but one wouldn't be able to tell right off the bat. His routines, his actions, his personality… Shinji did not want to think of if they were him or if they were not. His ideas, goals, preferences... What was real and what wasn't? Shinji had begun questioning a lot of things with the recent comings of Angel attacks. Shinji reflected on his life but did not change anything, and he knew deep in his heart that nothing would ever change. He counted his steps then to distract himself, looking at the hazy sky painting the backdrop of Tokyo 3 in variants of grey and white. Shinji tried not to focus on much of anything at all.

Upon finally arriving at his school and entering the designated homeroom, Shinji reopened his mind. He allowed himself to address Kensuke, and he endured Toji’s jeering remarks at his lateness. “Finally decided to show up, eh?" Toji nudged Shinji's shoulder. "Your girlfriends even got tired of waiting on ya, they were here a while ago! What kept ya?” Toji laughed as Shinji leaned over enough to look around him, giving him an uninterested shove away from himself. Asuka was indeed already there, animatedly talking to Rei as if Shinji were invisible. Neither of them waited for him today. The thought made him avert his eyes, his mood growing worse. There was another change in the mundane. Toji made fun of that too, somewhere in the background of his unfocused mind, but Kensuke seemed to empathize, patting Shinji on the shoulder.

“I’m sure it’s nothing personal,” Kensuke assured, even if he didn’t know for certain. Shinji remained unconvinced, but he did retaliate against Toji; to cheer himself up, he finally took his attention off of the two girls and instead directed it towards the boy he'd pulled into a vicious headlock. Kensuke laughed, taking a moment to film their roughhousing, while Toji escaped Shinji's grasp and went to do the same to him. The class rep had naturally yelled at both of them, and Shinji relented at that, sighing and heading for his desk, perching his chin on his palm. Even though Shinji had lifted some of the weight off of his chest, he observed the hazy sky, and took it in as a reflection of his soul.

The instructor entered the classroom with an announcement that provided a second change in Shinji’s day to day cycle of meaningless repetition. “Settle down everyone,” the man began, the class taking their seats. He shushed the stifled laughter and the dying conversation of his students. “There is a new addition to our class today. Please allow me to introduce Mr.-“

“Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. It’s a pleasure to meet you all.”

The soft and inviting lilt of this boy’s voice pulled Shinji out of his reverie, and he was curious enough to look to the front of the classroom. He found the new student looking directly at him. The deep maroon of his eyes was entrancing, reminding him of the ruby red of Ayanami’s, though these held something Shinji couldn't quite put a name to. A mess of silver hair framed his pale face, the gentle and intrigued expression on it causing Shinji’s cheeks to warm and forcing him to look away. He didn’t understand why his heart pounded in his chest, why his body spiked with an embarrassing heat that surprisingly didn’t warrant any questions from the friends that still liked him. It seemed everyone was interested in Kaworu, his novelty a sudden change in their monotony.

Shinji gave himself the time to think, to process what could possibly have made him feel this way. The obvious sat right in front of his nose, but he refused to accept it. He felt the same way when he looked at Asuka, and thinking of her now made the feeling worsen, confirming that which he did not want. Just as he started to calm down, Shinji caught the sound of a chair squealing against the ground and looked up to see Kaworu occupying the desk in front of him. The boy straddled his own seat, leaning forward to seemingly get a better look at him. There was nothing Shinji could say or do, so he opted to stare blankly at his sweet smile and wondered why he suddenly felt so vulnerable.

Kaworu began to say something, but the teacher reprimanded him for sitting the way that he was. Shinji was thankful the moment Kaworu turned around, giving himself the chance to even out his breathing. The warmth in his face was beginning to die down, making him less embarrassed to look over to the snickering boys beside him. Distinctly, Shinji could feel the intense gaze of a certain redhead staring holes into the back of his head, and he remained facing forward for the entirety of the lesson, too afraid to interact with her and making it his goal to ignore the boy in front of him.

At the dismissal for lunch, Shinji made a beeline for the door and ignored the familiar tone of an aggressive Asuka that faded into the distance. He was on the rooftop soon enough, a place where a few other students were beginning to gather. He slowed himself to a stop and flopped down onto the cold cement. It sapped excess heat from his hyperreactive body and he was thankful for its temperature. There were only a few moments Shinji got to enjoy in total solitude before he was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. Assuming the worst, Shinji’s tone became irritated, and he kept his eyes closed as an act of defiance. “Listen, Asuka, if I wanted to talk to you I would have, so just leave me alone.” His voice was the mutter of a petulant child, which was something Shinji often felt like.

“I am really sorry you’re not interested in talking to your friend.” The voice made Shinji gasp, his eyes flying open to find Kaworu standing over him, staring at him curiously. “Should I leave you alone too, Shinji Ikari?” The silver-haired boy’s question seemed too innocent, and Shinji could feel his heartbeat throughout his body, his surprise paralyzing him. He quickly sat up, scuttling away from Kaworu, who simply watched him move with no change in his expression. Kaworu did not move himself, but he did appear to be very interested in what Shinji would do next. Shinji could not figure out if he hated that or not.

“Wh-why did you follow me? And who told you my name?” He knew he hadn’t been called on at all, but maybe he had missed it when the instructor assigned Kaworu to his seat? He didn’t have much time to think about those things when focused on keeping his body in check.

“You ran off without saying anything, so your friends were worried. I told them I’d find you if they wanted. The quieter one gave me your name.” Kaworu looked unbothered by the question, but he did seem to smile a bit as he approached. “You haven’t told me to leave, so does that mean you want me to stay?” Kaworu’s forwardness made Shinji stumble for words, his face already betraying him. 

“N-no, no I didn’t say that!” Shinji’s voice varied in pitch, and he silently cursed his lazy friends for subjecting him to this torture as much as he cursed himself for stammering like a fool with a crush. _What is wrong with me?_ Shinji thought. _I don’t even like guys!_ “I just wanted some fresh air.” Something like that. “So you can go and tell them I’m fine, alright? You don’t have to stay here.” Shinji realized a little too late that he was avoiding telling Kaworu to leave, instead giving him the opportunity to choose.

Kaworu knelt in front of Shinji, the smile on his face growing. “I want to stay here. Would you mind it if I did?” He leaned forward, his hands now on either side of the boy who sat frozen in front of him, caging him in. Kaworu’s nose nearly touched Shinji’s as he spoke again, his voice becoming even quieter, teasing him. “I want you to tell me.” Kaworu saw right through Shinji’s attempt at avoiding the decision and decided instead to put him on the spot.

“Ah…” Shinji did not move. He was stuck there, watching as Kaworu moved closer and closer. His face was too pretty to look away from. He felt an intense longing as he stared at those half-lidded eyes, his breathing shallow as he felt himself tilt his face up just the slightest when Kaworu’s approach had ended. There was an inch of space separating Kaworu's mouth from his. His previous argument about his attraction to the other boy dissolved, as if he could not deny that he wanted to feel Kaworu’s smiling lips against his own. The proximity gave the flustered boy thoughts he was not accustomed to. Shinji had to force himself not to make any impulsive moves. _I want you to stay,_ Shinji thought. _I want you to…_

Shinji blinked rapidly, pushing Kaworu back just enough to get him out of his face. “No. I mean, yes. Yes I would mind.” He huffed, scooting back to help him calm himself down. The red eyed boy said nothing, but he looked surprised. “Why are you being so strange to me?” Shinji’s voice wavered again.

“Strange?” Kaworu looked pensive as Shinji squinted at him. “I guess I have been a little off, haven’t I? Looks like we have the same effect on one another.” Kaworu’s smile returned, and Shinji was confused. He was conflicted about everything, yet he chose only to address what was being said, for now.

“What do you mean?” Shinji thought he was being absurd. _What effect?_

“When I first saw you, I felt something different. I guess you could say that was what makes me act like this.” Kaworu reached out and placed his hand on Shinji’s chest to feel his quickened heart beating. “Am I wrong to assume that I’ve done the same to you?” He dropped his hand just as Shinji lifted his to move him away. “Maybe you’re not acting different, but something feels different, doesn’t it?”

Shinji swore his heart stopped then, and he had to force himself to look away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re the only one who’s being weird.” He tried his best to defend himself, refusing to give Kaworu the answer he desired. The boy shrugged slightly in response, as though content with this.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me, Shinji.” Kaworu backed away, standing up again much to Shinji’s relief and chagrin.

“I’m not afraid of you!” Shinji's immediate retort returned him to feeling like a child. 

“Alright then.” Kaworu didn’t try to argue, shrugging and backing off. “I apologize, and I hope this doesn’t stop us from being friends.” He looked at Shinji, soft and expectant.

“If you stop getting all close then, I don't know. I guess we could be friends.” Shinji felt so small that he was embarrassed more over that than anything Kaworu had done.

“That makes me happy.” Kaworu’s smile made Shinji’s heart flutter again, but now he was getting better at controlling himself. “I’ll see you later then, alright?” The silver haired boy waved, not waiting for Shinji’s dumbfounded reply of ‘sure’ before he left. Shinji spent the rest of his break trying to calm down while his mind replayed the events of their encounter on repeat. Even as he returned to class, Shinji could not push the thoughts out of his head. The rest of the school day went by agonizingly slow, though Shinji was grateful that Kaworu was holding up his end of their agreement. As the class was dismissed, Shinji’s mood had changed considerably. He said his goodbyes and ‘see you tomorrow’s and left after nervously waving his farewell at Kaworu, who only smiled in acknowledgement. His walk home was not as lonely as that morning, Asuka griping and yelling at him while Rei watched and laughed alongside them. Shinji groaned and responded in turn, but his thoughts would not cease to be occupied by the strange and beautiful transfer student.


	2. Chapter 2

_Shinji could feel the presence behind him. Arms slid under his own, hands eager to run over his bare chest beneath his shirt, sliding down his stomach and lower still. He watched through hazy eyes as his pants were undone, pale fingers sinking below the waistband of his underwear and taking hold of him, the other hand still skating over his chest, brushing over his nipples. Shinji’s eyes slid shut, a quiet moan escaping him as the other stroked him, their breath against his neck sending delightful shivers down his spine. ‘I want you to tell me,’ the familiar voice breathed against his ear, the hand on Shinji’s chest now gripping his waist and pulling him back, giving him nowhere to run. ‘Tell me what you want me to do, Shinji. It must be killing you.’_

_Shinji could feel his heart beating faster, his face colored with embarrassment. ‘I want…’ His voice was breathy, barely coming out. He could feel the other boy pressing against him, grinding against him. He could tell he wanted it too, but he was far more patient than Shinji could ever be. The boy kissed his way down the side of Shinji’s neck, tracing his way back up with the tip of his tongue. ‘I want you,’ he replied lamely, knowing his answer would not satisfy._

_‘You know that isn't good enough.’ The boy read his mind as predicted. Shinji turned to look at him, his own hand coming up to bury itself in the mess of silver hair as his mouth became occupied by Kaworu’s. 'Tell me.' Shinji blinked and they were suddenly in a different position, with Kaworu on top and Shinji laying on his back. Kaworu’s lips met his skin, kissing his way down Shinji’s exposed middle and making his mark on the hollow of his hip. Another strange shift had Kaworu’s face between his legs, his mouth wrapped around Shinji’s cock, sucking him down. Shinji couldn’t stop himself from rocking his hips up, both hands in Kaworu’s hair as his head bobbed up and down. Shinji could not stop the stuttered moans escaping him as he rolled his hips into the ridiculous wet heat of Kaworu’s eager mouth._

_‘K-Kaworu,” Shinji whimpered, his head tipped back. He could feel himself nearing the edge, but he wanted so badly to feel something else, something more. His dick throbbed in Kaworu’s mouth, which only made the silver haired boy want take all of him in, eager to make things as hard as he could for Shinji. The impossible tightness of his throat constricting around him had Shinji’s breathing picking up, his soft noises now carrying a note of urgency as his back slowly arched upwards. “I want… I w-want -nnh!- Oh god, Kaworu, I-I want you to—”_

“Ffffuck me,” Shinji trembled as he came into his own hand and nothing else, hunching over slightly as he rode out his orgasm with an incredibly hot face. It was a warm Saturday night, and Shinji had shocked himself awake with the beginning of the fantasy that put him in this very position. His head rested against his pillow for a moment, his shaky breathing slowing and his mind no longer pushing him to fuck his own hand like it was something else.

The regret settled in as he felt his own seed drying against his skin, and Shinji quietly got up to wash himself off, guilt taking the place of his regret. How could he be so depraved, already touching himself to the image of some random boy he’d just met? How could he even get off to the idea of another boy with his hands on him? Shinji groaned softly, shaking his head at his disgusting antics and falling back into bed. It had only been a few days, but Shinji knew he was in trouble. Kaworu hardly interacted with him, keeping things polite and cordial when he did. There were a few times where Shinji spotted the other staring at him, but was growing apparent Kaworu felt no shame over it, always smiling back at him. Despite this lack of interaction, Shinji had still experienced the same dream almost every night. The only difference between now and then was that he’d actually done something about it instead of ignoring his body and trying to think of anything else that would help him sleep.

Sleep would not come to him this night, his shame keeping him wide awake until the early hours of the morning. He yawned, slowly sitting up after hours of staring at the ceiling, getting dressed and quietly leaving the house before his mother woke up. No school today, so he thought he might lose himself in the city. There was a chill in the air, one that reminded him of the traditions that would come up in the following months. Festivals, holidays, celebrations of all kinds. Shinji’s excitement for this time of year grew less and less prominent, as if it came with growing older. He took in his surroundings, humming the beginning of a certain song on his MP3 that made him momentarily sad for not bringing it. Again this brought him to memories, things that reminded him of a time past.

The sidewalks were not as packed as they normally were, the traffic just as sparse. Shinji was thankful for that, feeling less self-conscious around the slimmer amount of people. He wondered if they could see his shame like the color of his aura, radiating around him and making him feel like he was wearing a sign around his neck calling him out for being depraved. He sat at the bus stop a few blocks away from his house, intending to get an early morning look from afar at the city he resided in before his expected mindless traveling through it.

The last thing Shinji wanted to see was standing across the street from him, brought to his attention by a passing car going far too fast. He could no longer feel the gentle nip of the chilly morning air, and he rubbed at his eyes to make sure what he saw was indeed real. When he opened his eyes and saw nothing, Shinji breathed a sigh of relief, closing them and leaning back against the bench.

“We meet again, Shinji Ikari.”

Kaworu’s voice startled him and Shinji cried out, nearly jumping out of his skin and instead rising to his feet. His gaze found Kaworu’s for just a split second, and just as he had his protests died in his throat. The boy was as pretty as before, both in his mind and on the rooftop. He had one hand on the back of the bench where Shinji previously sat, and he was leaning over it with an amused look on his face. “What’s the matter? Did I scare you?” He posed the question innocently enough, but Shinji knew there was nothing innocent about it.

“Of course you did! You were across the street just a second ago, and now…” Shinji shook his head, getting distracted. He refused to get caught up in Kaworu’s confusing words with what seemed to hold a double meaning. “Are you following me or something? Because, you said, you, um, said,” Shinji stammered as Kaworu sat down in front of him, taking one of Shinji’s hands in his own. “…Nothing weird! You, you said you weren’t going to be strange anymore…” He swallowed thickly, the embarrassment coming easily. So much for thinking he could escape these feelings because he took care of them for a moment. He hated himself a little more, hated how easily his body reacted and how this boy could make him feel like this.

“I don’t think I’m the strange one, Shinji, but I do remember what you said. I just could not help myself. You look so interesting when you're vulnerable.” Kaworu’s voice carried a tone that troubled him. Shinji felt his shame rise twofold, and Kaworu’s eyes seemed to brighten with that frightening amusement. Shinji felt like Kaworu was hunting him, savoring this moment until he could finally take Shinji down. He was simply biding his time now. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Why are you out here so early? You do not strike me as the early rising type.” He seemed genuinely curious, as if he wasn’t also out at an odd hour. Shinji pulled his hand away but he did sit down, moving himself over a bit to try and clear his mind. He _would_ repress this if it was the last thing he did.

“I’m not, usually. I just couldn’t sleep is all.” Shinji shifted uncomfortably. “What about you? Do you just walk around in the mornings waiting for someone to show up?” Shinji realized his tone just a second too late, and he looked down at his hands. “Sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“You’re quite alright, Shinji. I would be... upset too, if I were you. But only you, of course. I wouldn't mind if you surprised me with your presence.” His smile seemed to fade. “I like this hour because there aren’t as many people. I like to watch the city wake up, like it is now. These people are so fascinating that I can’t help but observe them. Just like you.” Kaworu was not looking at him as he spoke, somewhat distracted by the slowly increasing influx of cars, which gave Shinji the smallest chance to look over at him, his cheeks growing pink. _Fascinating?_

“I don’t really care for people that much,” Shinji admitted, sighing just a little and allowing himself to lean back against the bench. “I care about my friends, but I wouldn’t say people are fascinating, not really.” He didn’t like addressing those thoughts, but they were true.

“I cannot say I am surprised.” Kaworu’s stared onward, thoughtful. “I suppose living amongst them will make you numb to the existence of others. I would be willing to bet that you hardly even look at the people around you.” His words would have sounded harsh if Kaworu was not so soft spoken, so accepting of Shinji’s nature. “It’s okay if you don’t. You’re human after all, and that is a part of who you are. It must seem terribly ordinary to watch these people go about their business. You must think your life is just as ordinary and uninteresting, don’t you?”

Shinji stayed quiet for a moment, not addressing the strange way Kaworu addressed the people around him like he wasn’t one of them too. He pondered his own response, feeling guilty and ashamed that Kaworu had so easily guessed right about his selfish mannerisms. “I don’t think my life is going to be interesting at all, really. The only thing remotely notable about my life is my father. I’m not going to be important. I’ll be just another one of these people.” He thought about the things his father did at NERV HQ that he would never share with his family. Shinji could hardly bring himself to speak to the man about things that truly bothered him, and perhaps he hated him for it. He hated that his father was unapproachable, even when they spoke so calmly with each other on any normal day. “So why should I be interested in anyone else?”

Kaworu looked at him now, his expression somber. Shinji felt strange, almost like he was being pitied. “I’m sorry Shinji, but I fear your life will be far from ordinary. You are different from everyone else. You’ve got something special inside of you.” Kaworu tried touch again, reaching out to trace the shape of Shinji’s jaw with his pale fingertips. “I like to treasure times like this. Unordinary mornings with spontaneous changes. It is surprising how different you begin to feel about the world you've been given.” He held Shinji’s face now, cupping it his palm. “I treasure these moments too, perhaps more than any other. Every experience I have with you becomes a memory I hold close to my heart.” Kaworu closed his eyes, as if revisiting one such not so distant memory.

Shinji could not find any words to say. He stayed there, allowing Kaworu to touch him provided he kept some of his distance. He looked so serene, like an actual angel gracing him with his presence. Shinji’s pulse began to quicken gradually, and he huffed softly, gaining more control now than before. “What do you mean, I’m different?” Shinji asked softly as Kaworu’s eyes reopened. “You’re different too, but in a more obvious way.” With less force than the last time, Shinji removed Kaworu’s hand from his face, remaining firm on his earlier rule. “No normal person acts like you do. You act like you’ve never been around other people and now you’re admitting you’re obsessed with me, or something.” Shinji stood up slowly. This was another reason he had wanted Kaworu's attention to stop affecting him. He did not want to be as easily swayed, not like this. He hated the idea that his feelings were being manipulated, and it had grown into one of his biggest insecurities. “If someone put you up to this then fine, but I don’t want to be a part of whatever their plan is, so just stop.”

Now was one of the few times Shinji felt capable enough to stand up for himself, even if he used his insecurity to prop himself up. He would not let himself be made a fool of, even if the one doing so was so atrociously lovely, someone Shinji felt like he could be around more than anyone else. He did not like the vulnerability that came with that, especially not with someone he’d hardly even known. And yet, despite knowing Kaworu for a little over a week, he felt that the boy knew more about him than even he knew.

Kaworu did not look at all disappointed. If anything, his expression was understanding. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Shinji. I am acting on my own volition. You are so wonderful, Shinji, I have a hard time expressing anything to you without wanting to be closer. I suppose you could say it is in my nature.” Kaworu watched as Shinji dealt with his conflicted emotions, wondering what he could do to alleviate that stress that made the boy furrow his brow. “I want you to accept me and all that I feel for you. It is the truth.” Kaworu stood as Shinji looked away, contemplating his escape, his hands carefully placed at his own sides. “Just as it is the truth that I long for the day where you feel comfortable enough with me.”

Shinji couldn’t handle much more of it. He was confused and angry and ashamed, and he didn’t know how to handle what was just said to him. In the midst of the mess of his mind, Shinji did what he did best; he impulsively responded to things to make them go away. “You can keep longing then, because I want you to stay away from me!” Shinji felt as if Kaworu knew about what he’d done, as if he had been sent by someone to make him feel this way without his permission despite the promise that he wasn't. He didn’t want to be attracted to Kaworu, and he most definitely didn’t want to enjoy the sweet words that came from Kaworu’s mouth. He wanted them to go away, he hated being confused like this. He hated being so quickly confronted with his own sins. “I don’t feel the same about you, so just stay away and stop touching me. Please.” Shinji’s exasperation sounded desperate, as if admitting to his feelings would break the fragile façade of a personality he thought he had.

There was not much Kaworu could do or say then. He took a deep breath, in and out, then offered Shinji an apologetic smile. It wasn’t the same as before, though; he was hiding something there. “I truly am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, and I hope that you will find it in yourself to forgive me. Good bye, Shinji.”

Before Shinji could say anything, Kaworu slid past him, walking back in the direction he was originally heading for. Shinji stood there for a minute, his fingernails digging into his palms. He was so angry at himself, yet he felt some sense of relief. Maybe now he would stop hurting Kaworu, and the other boy would find someone better to give his affection to. He would no longer be confronted with the confusion of his attraction. Shinji took himself home after a few more silent minutes standing at the bus stop, and before his mother could question him he ran up the stairs and into the safety of his room, closing the door firmly and hitting his bed like a rock.

Somewhere else, Kaworu sat on a park bench overlooking a small lake from a small incline. There were no people around, no doubt trying to keep warm during this time of year. Kaworu liked the bite of the cold; it reminded him that his human form could still relay to him what it felt like to be one. He sat there, confused and hurt, not clearly understanding what had just happened. He could feel Shinji’s heartbeat before, watched him move closer. Shinji was attracted to him, this much Kaworu could affirm. So why did he treat him this way? Why did Shinji reject him? Why continue? Kaworu wondered if Shinji was simply in denial. He knew that Shinji’s feelings mirrored his own, so why was his intent to push Kaworu away? He could not understand it. This was supposed to happen. Shinji was supposed to love him. He had in each timeline that preceded this one. The concept of rejection made sense to him, but this situation was different. It was supposed to be different. Why then was Shinji being so cruel? He felt something dark and painful twisting within him, an ache he could not fix and an anger with no outlet. They were foreign emotions and he fought to understand them as well, desperately reaching for something to ground him. He felt tainted and disgusted with these feelings, wanting nothing more than to rid himself of them. With his eyes trained on the gently rippling water, Kaworu wondered why he did not want to accept this hurt. He was so willing to experience any other emotion, good or bad. But this, this he refused. He rejected it, making it incredibly difficult for himself. It was a small price to pay to ignore Shinji's distaste for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Shinji began to find comfort in his return to monotony, no longer plagued by strange words spun like riddles around his head. He stopped having dreams about Kaworu the first week after their spat, and he didn’t know if he felt relieved or upset with himself about that. It was a lot to take in, the suddenness of Kaworu’s approach and the bluntness of his confession. Shinji’s guilt for his poor handling of the situation seemed to live only when he was at school, forced to be in the presence of the boy who appeared to hate him now. He felt the stabbing pain of the powerful emotion whenever Kaworu’s eyes would glide past him, acting as if he were invisible. Just like Rei and Asuka had.

It was then Shinji decided that Kaworu was just like everyone else in his life. They only wanted something from him, something that didn’t have to do with friendship. Attention, perhaps, or the need to feel better about themselves. Shinji let himself become the butt of each joke because it was convenient for other people, but it wasn’t so bad as long as he laughed too, right? Kaworu was no different. He wanted attention, someone to validate his weird obsessions, or something like that. In truth, it was both easy and hard for him to feel spiteful towards Kaworu. The only other time he had experienced this kind of indecision was when he dealt with his father, but it was only when he was at school. It was easier to ignore thoughts of him when he wasn’t around.

Since that day, Asuka and Rei had begun to wait for him again, Asuka barging into his room and scolding him for sleeping in. “Didn’t you learn _anything_ from the last time, stupid Shinji?” Said stupid Shinji simply nodded along and slid out of bed, his indifference annoying her enough to send her storming back downstairs and back to Ayanami’s side with a frustrated huff. They left him again this time, but only because he’d been so out of it. Afterwards, he began to recover his routine again.

Just as Shinji began to experience some sense of normalcy, a loud alarm blared from various sirens in the city, signifying the oncoming approach of an Angel, a giant creature that threatened to destroy humanity. At least, that was what they were told. Shinji had been making some perverted joke about Asuka that made Rei smack the back of his head with her bag when the siren sounded, his hands rubbing his head and his gaze pointed worriedly out the window. Panic spread throughout the classroom, and the instructor attempted to get the students to form a line on their way to the designated shelter located nearby. Only Kaworu remained seated, watching with disinterest as his peers hurried out of the classroom. Shinji was just about to join them when he dared to look back, making eye contact with Kaworu and quickly looking away. He held his breath, trying to remain as composed as he had been when he was in the comfort of his own home, but it was hard when his life was being threatened by giant monsters.

Kaworu continued to stare blankly at him.

“That alarm's for an Angel attack. It means we have to go.” Shinji was surprised his voice did not waver, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be sidetracked by that. “Come on, I don’t think you’d like to be out here when the fighting starts.” Between EVA and Angel. It was supposedly an incredible sight to behold, though there was never any concrete evidence of the battles.

There was a silence between them that lasted for an uncomfortable amount of time. Tremors around them made the building shake and Shinji’s anxiety rise. Kaworu continued staring at him, unbothered by the danger they were both so clearly in. He did not care how selfish he was being, endangering Shinji like this. He felt it was just. It made his chest hurt again, and that was what broke him. He stood after that long, long moment, hands braced against the desk and face downturned, staring at his own arms as if they were foreign to him. His mind was troubled, as was his expression, but he approached Shinji nonetheless, receiving an expression of relief at Kaworu’s compliance.

Shinji knew he yelled at Kaworu before for touching him, but he took the boy’s hand in his and pulled him along, hoping they weren’t too late. Kaworu had stalled for longer than he was comfortable with, and the steady pattern in which the ground shook could only really mean one thing. The shelters would close their doors soon, and the distance between the classroom and the shelter was enough to stress Shinji out a little more. Kaworu looked like he was going to protest, yet he was stopped again by that feeling he attempted to smother. It wasn’t fair, not to him. Everything he did hurt, even when it was something he was sure he wanted. He searched for the part of himself that still loved Shinji, searched for some part of him to want to keep living on, only to experience the part of him that was drowned by a hefty shroud of rejection. It countered each feeling that wasn’t anguish. Just as the two exited the building, Kaworu slowed himself down, taking Shinji with him. Shinji looked back, panicking a little more.

“Why are you doing this to me, Shinji?” Kaworu’s soft query contrasted with the crashing sound of some poor building being destroyed. “Why do you say one thing and do another? I don’t understand you.”

Shinji stifled the impatience he immediately felt. Now most certainly wasn’t the time for this, but with someone as strange as Kaworu, he should have guessed it was coming. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I want us both to survive right now instead so we can talk about it at a time where we’re both not going to die, okay?” He squeezed Kaworu’s hand, pulling on him again to see if he’d budge. “Please, Kaworu. Come with me.”

Kaworu’s nose wrinkled, but he followed Shinji once more, wondering if it was the guilt of leaving someone behind or the guilt of his own actions that made Shinji want to rescue him. Another crash sounded, this one sending debris flying past them. Shinji quickened the pace, making it up to the shelter with a horrified expression. They had taken too long, the doors tightly shut in front of him. Even the secret escape route him and the boys had used was only accessible from the inside, making it impossible to sneak in. Shinji took his phone out as he dragged Kaworu closer to the entrance to the underground shelter. He realized too late to contact Asuka or Rei, the signals jammed from the "state of emergency" message. This left them tucked away under the cover of a slab of cement that extended a few meters in front of the heavy steel doors.

Shinji looked at Kaworu, fresh out of ideas. The forested areas that surrounded the city were a bust; the computer pilots in EVA units were programmed to divert the fighting to the forest or the ocean, anything that kept the city from risking too much damage. Still, the target almost always seemed to be NERV headquarters, located in the heart of the city, making anywhere a danger zone. Nothing would save Shinji nor Kaworu from the destruction of the fight between colossal entities. Kaworu stared back at him, not bothering to offer anything useful. He still wanted his answers, and he would keep himself quiet until he got them. He felt childish for even that, but it was his first time experiencing these kinds of things. He might even argue that he was somewhat like a child, experiencing this world that Lilim inhabited. These thoughts were the only ones that Kaworu could not fully understand. He did not want to, either.

With nothing left to do and nowhere to go, Shinji finally relented. He let go of Kaworu’s hand and slumped against the wall, sliding to the ground and pulling his knees up to his chest. Kaworu watched him and did the same against the wall adjacent to him, keeping his distance. He stared at the ground, scrutinizing the grainy sediment beneath them. He supposed it had sparked some muted interest, but it was not enough. It would never be enough. “I don’t understand,” he finally repeated, his voice uncharacteristically bitter. “I don’t want this. Why am I feeling this way?” He glared at Shinji, demanding his answer now. “You cannot run away from this. You are more afraid to die than you are of confrontation. Tell me why.”

Shinji winced, cowering away from Kaworu’s burning gaze. He was indeed afraid of confrontation, but he was also good at avoiding it. He pulled his knees closer, hiding the lower half of his face behind his arms and looking at the wall unoccupied by an angry boy. Kaworu was outraged, his frustration making him want to hit Shinji. It was a horrifying thought. It conflicted very much with his actual opinion of Shinji, his feelings for him, with or without the cruel punishment for his affections. “So you’re opting to play the coward, then? Am I so horrible to you that you would rather sit here and hope you don’t die so that you can go on ignoring me again?” The rage in his eyes did a poor job of hiding the agonizing pain Shinji was putting him through. There was no way he could stop feeling these emotions, nothing he could do himself that would make things better. If Shinji did not love him, he would be fine, but he needed to know. He was desperate to know. He would not believe it now, not if things were left unfinished, not when Shinji was so willing to accept his affections on his own terms. But then, what else could he expect from such a selfish creature? Was he not the same?

Shinji squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to reject Kaworu’s desperation. He could feel what Kaworu felt, the pain practically emanating from him, and it made thousands of things fly to his tongue, thousands of excuses without a sliver of truth. He flinched as a building nearby had crumbled under the incredibly large foot of the towering orange EVA that shot away from them as quickly as it had descended. The impact caused the ground to shake even worse than before, leaving Shinji to clutch his head between his hands like a child trying to ignore the scolding of his parents, the earthquake that could not be stopped by man. Kaworu could not cope with the pent up aggression, his eyes prickling with the sharp and alien sensation of tears. The wetness spilled over onto his cheeks, warm trails of salt water slipping down to his chin. He stood and took Shinji by the arm, yanking his hand away from his head and forcing him to listen. “Answer me, Shinji. You cannot be afraid of me forever.”

Surprise overtook the fear in Shinji’s features, yet he tugged his arm away and buried his hand back into his own hair. “I can, I can be afraid of whatever I want for however long I want because they’re my fears!” Shinji’s voice had raised just like Kaworu’s, but his was less emotional and leaning more towards defending himself. “I can’t answer you because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say! There’s nothing I can do to get rid of whatever you’re feeling. I-I’m sorry for what I said, I know it wasn’t right and you were just being nice but I couldn’t handle it!” He’d broken into a sob at that point, so utterly frustrated with everything. It didn’t help that he was scared for his life. “It’s too much. You’re too much, all at once, and it scares me. It scares me to think about what would happen if I….” He bit back the rest of his statement, trying again with something else. “I don’t want to believe the things you say or the way you act because I can’t figure out why you feel that way about me. I thought if I told you to stop you’d be better off finding someone better or something, I don’t know, I don’t know anymore Kaworu, what else do you want me to say?” He managed to muster up enough strength to look up at Kaworu, expecting to see more of the anger he had just been given moments ago.

Instead, Kaworu looked lost. He was unbothered by the continuation of the tears that left his eyes, his arms wrapped around himself. “Why won’t this feeling go away?” he asked, his voice strained as if physically pained. Shinji looked just as confused as before, and Kaworu knew he wouldn’t understand. “What is it that scares you so much, truly? What was it you were saying before?” Kaworu wanted to hear anything definitive, he craved the answers. Yes or no. Love me, love me not. He was well aware of the weight of such emotions, but all he wanted to know was, “Do you truly want me to leave you alone?”

Shinji squirmed again, not willing to be so open a second time. Being face to face with the consequences of his actions was not one of his ideal positions to be in, but he would deal with it, if it helped the boy standing over him. It was hard enough to face his fears, but to sit there and watch as his brashness tore someone else apart? Shinji wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he remained quiet. If they lived, Kaworu would undoubtedly hate him, or be consumed by the feelings he went through now, and Shinji didn’t want that. “I’m just scared of myself. I’m scared of wanting to be around you. I’ve never been around anyone who acts like you, and when you touch me I’m scared because I like it and I’ve never liked, like other guys touching me and you’re just so unreal and different that, I-I don’t want to believe it.” He felt his face grow far too warm for comfort, his embarrassment outweighing his fear for a split second before the ground shook and reminded him of exactly where they were. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled again, as if his pitiable apology was worth something.

Kaworu remained silent, wiping his face and frowning as his eyes continued to leak. He could feel his adoration for Shinji fighting to overtake the painful clutches of rejection, and he wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe the true reason for Shinji’s cruel response to his affection was the fear of attraction itself. It lined up perfectly with Shinji’s contradictory actions, among other things. He took a few minutes to calm himself, surprised for allowing such powerful feelings control him the way that they did. He assumed it was some side effect of the human experience, but it troubled him how much violence was associated with such a trivial argument. Kaworu allowed himself to be too absorbed in his emotions, forgetting about his actions in favor of desperately trying to make himself feel better. It was a vicious cycle, but it made him more aware of the extremes of such emotions, knowing now that he could not always force the answers out of someone.

“I have no reason to believe you’re lying to me, but I must stress that if you are…” Kaworu closed his eyes, sighing deeply. “… then stop. I will not be satisfied with an answer that’s meant to make me feel better, and I will not forgive you if you lie to me.” His words were colder now, even if he looked somewhat hopeful.

Shinji took more time to consider this. He didn’t want to be a yuppie, doing exactly the opposite of what Kaworu had requested. It was the truth, as far as he was concerned; yes, Kaworu was a lot to handle, but if he wasn’t lying either then Shinji supposed he could succumb to just a few of those things he thought unlike himself. He already knew he wanted to be with Kaworu physically, his torturous dreams a painful reminder. It was emotionally, realistically, that made him question it. After all of this, Shinji would definitely be more willing to accept an overly affectionate Kaworu than one who was filled with spite. He simply did not know how to react. It was foreign to him, though he supposed they were both experiencing something foreign. “I’m not lying, It’d be more uncomfortable for me if I was. It’s just so fast, like you knew about me before I even met you.” Because it was totally unrealistic for someone to be attracted from one look alone, right? Except that was exactly what had happened to Shinji. “I guess I wouldn’t mind anything now, not when we’re in an open spot and probably going to die.” He tried to laugh at himself to no avail.

Kaworu took the time to relax himself, listening for the sounds of combat in the distance. It sounded as if another EVA had been deployed, and now that Kaworu was a little more motivated to see Shinji to safety, he began to think of some way to keep them safe. He offered Shinji his hand, his smile yet to return but his original emotions besting the negativity that had engulfed him. Shinji took it with some hesitation, looking at their joined hands before raising his gaze to Kaworu’s. “Do you have an idea?” Shinji asked, searching in those bright red eyes for a hint at what was going on in his mind.

“I may, but it is very dangerous and you will have to trust me.” Kaworu’s expression softened somewhat, and that inviting face made Shinji’s brain turn into mush.

“As long as neither of us dies,” Shinji nodded, still giddy from his earlier burst of confidence. Kaworu’s smile brightened, and he urged Shinji to stand in front of him for just a moment, slowly exiting the poor excuse of a shelter they had chosen. He turned to ask Kaworu something, and he was surprised when he was met instead with a sharp pain in the side of his neck, followed by the complete lack of response from his body. He could not speak, and just as soon as he had collapsed into Kaworu’s arms, the world went dark.


	4. Chapter 4

_‘Shinji,’ A familiar voice called out to him, warm and inviting. He was pulled into a familiar scene from somewhere he could not remember. ‘Shinji, come here!’ He heard the voice again and reached out for it, his hands small and arms far too short. He was a child, the voice belonging to his mother. They were somewhere dark, the walls around them metal and menacing. Father occupied the desk in the center, typing away and speaking to his mother in a hushed tone. Shinji always liked visiting father at work, sitting on his lap as he gruffly delivered commands as if he was not there. Afterwards, he would look down at Shinji, patting his head softly. This time however, Shinji was left to roam the office, round face bright and curious now that he was given so much freedom. Mother only called to him after he’d managed to get lost in another room, one with a bed connected to a huge machine that scared him and interested him at the same time._

_Returning to the soft lull of mother’s voice, Shinji shortly found himself in father’s arms instead, who asked some unknown older man about "the test", asking if it was ready. The man seemed like he didn’t want to listen, responding with a ‘Yes, but are you sure you want to do this?’ Father looked at the man just as he looked at any other person he delivered orders to, and the man nodded his head. Shinji looked up at his father, wondering what "the test" was. He told Shinji, "Don't worry about it," taking him into a different room. His mother wasn’t there in the last room, but Shinji forgot that, assuming she had left just as soon as she called for him. He didn’t think too much about where her voice came from._

_The room was dark, leaving Shinji feeling scared. There was another big machine here, and a strange bed with lots of wires. His father set him down on the bed and told him to sit still. "I don't want to sit still," Shinji said. He wanted to touch the blinking lights and play with the wires, but his father tells him that if this goes well, they'll get ice cream together, with mother. So he sat still like a good boy while his father had someone connect some wires to his head, the sides of his forehead. It felt funny, and so did the weird metal hat they put on his head, covering his eyes. His father told him to lay down and so he did, even though he screamed a little when the bed moved. He said "Don’t be afraid Shinji", and he tried his best to be brave. There were some noises from the machine and suddenly he could see pretty colors changing around him, surrounding his vision with a delightful show light. There was a strange feeling there, something that tugged on his chest, and deeper. There were more wires on him now, ones heh didn’t recognize before._

_The lights were gone now but he could now see. He saw mountains and trees and blue, blue water. He felt tall. He could hear his mother’s voice again. ‘Shinji,’ she whispered. ‘Shinji.’ He wanted to look around, to find out how she whispered in my ear from inside the machine. ‘Mother?’ he asked. Shinji felt something inside of him then, something weird and strange that came from his head, something that reacted when he called for her. ‘Mother?’ he tried. He could feel that strange feeling, this time emanating from his chest, but he could not get her to respond. As he went to try one more time, something began to HURT. IT HURTS! Shinji felt himself scream these words, but they would not come from his mouth._

_PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN_

_Shinji writhed on the table, crying out with his tiny voice. The words echoed in his mind. It felt like his hand was being pulled right off, fingers taken digit by digit. His back arched up involuntarily as the pain seared through him, his arm tensing as it felt like his wrist had finally given way to the force that took his hand from it. He screamed and screamed, begging for his mother, for his father, for anyone. Couldn’t they see his hand was gone? He could hear his father through his hysteria. He seemed to be discussing something with the man from before. He sounded… happy. Shinji sobbed and held his arm to his chest, feeling the pressure within him as the Evangelion moved as he did. He could see the stump where its hand was supposed to be, cleanly removed by something that remained out of sight. The carnage was enough to damage his small, fragile psyche, his screaming echoing off the walls until he could no longer take it, passing out._

_He awoke in the comfort of his mother’s embrace, wanting to believe that it was all a dream._

There was a low groan that sounded from Shinji as he sat up, interrupted from his sleep by the dream he was already beginning to forget. But then, he hadn't fallen asleep on his own volition, had he? The last thing he’d remembered was Kaworu’s smile as he faded into darkness, most obviously knocked out. He was disoriented, his eyes unfocused, and he could not quite figure out where he was. His first thought after being dazed and confused was to feel betrayed by Kaworu. There was no need to knock him out, not if they were supposed to be running away together. He rubbed his head, then his eyes, and he waited until the spinning in his head to die down considerably before attempting again to make sense of his surroundings.

He was home.

Shinji looked around again, confirming that he was indeed in his room before he began to stand. He was confused and hurt and he waited to hear the sound of battle before assuming he was safe. There were no ambient sounds of his mothers cooking downstairs, or the gruff, one word responses his father often gave when he was scheduled to work later than usual. Shinji wondered if the shelters were just now releasing people, then grimly questioned how long he was out. He figured nothing could be answered from up here in his room, so he slowly rose to his feet, walking to the door and heading down the stairs.

Everything looked the same. Nothing was out of place, save for the handful of dishes in the sink. There were people walking up and down the sidewalk outside of the house, which meant that there hadn’t been any fighting for at least a few hours, given how many people were already populating the streets. Shinji stood in his doorway, dumbfounded, before fishing out his phone and trying Asuka’s number. As it rang, he started searching for any signs that Kaworu had been there, frowning when he found nothing.

“SHINJI IKARI, YOU DAMN BASTARD!!” Asuka’s voice blared through the speaker, causing Shinji to jump, his eyes widening. He had been in the middle of stuttering out a greeting when she abruptly cut him off. “Don’t ‘hey Asuka’ _ME_ like you weren’t missing the whole damn time the fight was happening! Where the hell are you?! I told the class rep that if the Angels don’t kill you, I WILL!! Stupid, STUPID Shinji! I bet you’re at home, aren’t you? Don’t you even THINK about moving a muscle! IDIOT!” There was an aggressive click as Asuka hung up, not allowing Shinji to get in a single word edgewise. He wondered how he could physically feel the aggression behind her hanging up the phone. He supposed it would be futile to call Rei since she'd be accompanying Asuka, so he messaged Toji and Kensuke instead and apologized profusely for worrying either of them. Toji’s response was similar to Asuka’s, but Kensuke seemed genuinely glad to hear from him, mentioning something about their earlier escapades to get a good clear view of the warzone.

Everything seemed normal, but Shinji was still dissatisfied. He still had no idea how he got there, nor did he know where Kaworu was. The dream he had bothered him enough to check for discrepancies in the house, some bug or something, so he was thankful when he found none. His mind buzzed with thousands of questions by the time Asuka had arrived, barging into his house like a raging bull and putting Shinji into a headlock. She demanded answers and he requested mercy. She denied him, ordering him to speak from his position because "it serves you right for being such a complete jackass!". Shinji did his best to tell her what had happened, omitting of course the soul-baring heart to heart he and Kaworu shared. She cursed him out and called him names, releasing him from her grip only to kick him over and pelt him with phony blows until he cried for mercy again. She relented, but only because she pitied him, looking around for his mother or at least the coward who had forced him to stay back and help him.

“Where is that grey haired asshole anyway? I’ve got a few words for him too, stupid pretty boy grandpa!” Asuka glared down at him, but he was more distracted by Rei’s head popping up around the corner, her hand coming up to give him a friendly wave. Asuka glared at her too, though she was more interested in getting her answers. Rei entered and politely closed the door behind herself, sitting down in the kitchen and watching as Asuka kicked Shinji until he spoke up.

“Ow, ow, hey! I don’t know where he is, alright? I just woke up and I was here and I promise that’s all I know, now will you please stop hitting me?” Shinji covered his head with his arms to protect himself, and Asuka eventually stopped. Shinji stood up gratefully, rubbing the back of his head and staring at Rei glumly, as if she could help. She only looked concerned, but she would not intervene. Her and Asuka were already at each other’s throats at any given point, with Rei’s retorts being on the calmer side and Asuka’s…

“I would like to know why he had to knock you out like that. I mean, he must have, right? Do you think he did something he didn’t want you to see?” Rei queried, looking quite thoughtful. “I can’t think of any real reason he’d want to do that to you, not since he seems so interested in you. How did he carry you, I wonder?” She laughed at that, and at Shinji’s reddened face when she mentioned his affection. 

“Honestly I’d like to know too, but I just want to see if he’s okay.” At the last minute, Shinji saved himself from another kick directed at his head, standing up so Asuka couldn’t swing at him from that vantage point, at least. “And I’m worried about mother too. I don’t know how long I was out, and by the looks of it most of the shelters have reopened, so I don’t know where she could be either…” Shinji’s voice trailed off, and Asuka seemed somber all of the sudden.

“Shinji, about your mom…” Asuka started, clenching her fists. “She-“

“Asuka,” Rei quickly interrupted Asuka’s statement, the redhead looking over at her with a deep-set frown on her face. Shinji looked confused, but more than that he looked suspicious.

“If either of you know anything about my mother, tell me now.” He could feel his heartbeat picking up, his breathing becoming shallow and his body pulsing with the cold heat of dread and agitation. He could tell by the immediate change in Rei’s expression that he wasn’t going to like what she had to say.

“Shinji, your mom hasn’t been here for a while.” Asuka ducked her head, her face contorted in a grimace. “Your dad built this… thing to replicate her since you were down bad when she passed away. After the Angel attack, some people found her under some rubble, but instead of there being a body, there was this… machine. It had your mom’s face.” She couldn’t look at him, not when she could see the realization slowly setting in.

Shinji felt like his world had collapsed right then.

Already he had been on edge from the curious actions of the boy he’d confessed to, but now he was forced to accept the horrifying truth of what had happened to his mother. Or at least, the thing he decided to call his mother. Shinji shook his head, backing away from them both and stumbling over the side table that was knocked down during Asuka’s angry display of relief. His hands came up to cover his ears, as if doing so could block out what was already set in motion. How long was she dead? How long had Shinji been complacently loving this creation that was never his mother? Why didn’t his father tell him anything? Why did he feel the need to lie? Where was Kaworu, and what did he have to do with this? The bitterest part of him considered Kaworu at fault for his ‘mother’’s demise. Perhaps it was a cruel jab back at Shinji for hurting him. An eye for an eye, wasn’t it? He had been stupid to assume his apology in the midst of a battle that could have very well killed them would have mended everything.

Shinji’s broken sobs were impossible not to hear then. Anyone walking by the house would have heard his lament, his cries broken and his mind completely lost. Asuka couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t move, her pride gluing her in place, while Rei carefully excused herself from the table and tugged Asuka along with her. The two crouched down beside the catatonic boy, Rei silently rubbing his back and Asuka only offering her presence. She was never good with this kind of thing. Shinji could hardly muster up the strength to quietly thank them for being there, for telling him the truth, in between hiccups of breathing as he attempted to inhale. He would have found out some other way, and he would have been in much worse shape than this, he knew this for certain.

The three of them sat there for some time, Rei waiting until Shinji’s shoulders had finished quaking before removing her hand and looking over to Asuka, clearly worried. “Shinji,” Asuka started, staring at him and looking somewhat sympathetic. “You can let yourself be sad about this forever or you can rip the bandaid off now and settle on the next move, like what young grandpa did, you know?” She meant only to be encouraging, but she could tell by Rei’s annoyance that she wasn’t doing a good job.

“What she _means_ is that it’s okay to be upset for a little while. Hey, rightfully so after finding out about your mom like that. But you cannot let this hold you back forever. Focus on your other things. Kaworu, or confronting your father, or even yourself. Don’t let this stop you from getting real answers, not some half baked inferences given to you by your two teenage friends.” Rei sounded solemn, but her words were easier to hear. “We can understand if you’d like some time alone…” She began, though she did not get the chance to finish her statement. Shinji had simply nodded at the suggestion, and it was enough for her to stand up, Asuka quick to follow.

“Listen up!” Asuka pointed her finger at the top of his head. “If you don’t figure any of this out, I’m gonna have to, and if I have to do it I’m kicking your ass again!” She clenched her fists and huffed, walking out of the house with Rei in tow. "Feel better soon, or else!"

Shinji didn’t move from his corner for a long time. The day faded into afternoon, fading into evening. He knew his mother would have been back by now, talking to him about his day and fretting over him and his mysterious disappearance. The thought brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, and Shinji could not hold back the soft sounds that confirmed that he was alone. Alone. His father did not show that night, and Shinji thought nothing of it. He was practically a zombie, forcing himself to shower, to get dressed, to lay in his bed and stare at the ceiling.

Both of the girls’ suggestions attempted to make it through his closed off mind, reminding him that his father must have known something and that Kaworu’s disappearance was too convenient, the timing of his imitation mother’s demise too perfect. He hated the suspicions that arose against Kaworu, but he knew he was right, somehow. Shinji let the thoughts eat at him all night, his eyes never once leaving the ceiling he was beginning to hate.


	5. KAWORU

_Knocking Shinji out wasn’t really what he wanted to do. He knew that eventually, Shinji would grow wary of him, and it was something he wanted to avoid. He had brought danger to Shinji when they first met, and now he was trying to rectify his mistake, to defy the words spat at him, the overkill punishments that would surely befall him if his task was incomplete. He would laugh at that; try as they might, Kaworu would not be scared by the empty threats of his employer. Which lead him back to this very moment. The fork in the road. To bring Shinji back to NERV, or to risk his life in order to keep him out of their grasp for just a little while longer, this was his dilemma. Eventually both choices would lead to the same outcome, but Kaworu knew that if he could manage to convince him, Shinji would be able to fight the influence of the person he feared the most._

_The sound of the Angel and the two impossibly large EVAs drew near. Kaworu’s decision was made the moment he could feel the vibrations of each heavy step in his teeth, ringing through his skull. Such a strange and reactive body, this vessel of flesh and blood. He decided he liked it for all it was, even the horrible parts. The physical pain he endured was nothing in comparison to the strange stabbing of emotional distraught that kept him awake some nights. Perhaps it was his impatience that made him wait so long for Shinji’s true feelings. He knew it played a part, at least, but it almost seemed like the boy who looked so fragile in his arms wanted to return to a life of mediocrity. Kaworu felt real sadness for him, not pity. He could empathize with the pain Shinji was bound to endure, and it made his heart sink._

_Kaworu carried Shinji on his back as if he were nothing but a bag slung over his shoulders. There was not a soul in sight to report on the moment; a pale boy with mysterious features carrying another unconscious boy down the street as a fight took place between three giant monsters. Nothing seemed to touch them, debris or chunks of buildings or otherwise. It was like there was an invisible force surrounding them that kept them safe, broken buildings sending pieces of themselves to bounce off of this half circle of energy. He took Shinji to his house, the safest place to go. There was someone who could protect him there, and that was all he could really hope for in the end. Defying his orders made him certain of one outcome, and Kaworu would do best not to try and run from it._

_“I’m so sorry, Shinji,” Kaworu whispered, laying the boy down in his bed and brushing his hair out of his face. “I’m sorry things have to be this way. I wish I had gotten a little more time with you.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Shinji’s forehead, stroking the side of his face and carefully tracing the outline of his slightly parted lips. “I wish I could tell you that I—” Kaworu cut himself off, shaking his head. He stepped away from the bed, looking over his shoulder to see the unit that was left here for the sole purpose of protecting Shinji. She had watched him the whole time, looking mildly distraught. Kaworu thought it was a very good imitation, like his own._

_“He’ll be upset to learn the truth if you do not survive,” Kaworu said, turning around fully and sitting himself down in front of it. He would not move from that spot, not until he was forced to. ‘Yui’ nodded solemnly, looking up at the roof as the house shook._

_“It is time for him to know anyway,” she countered, her voice quiet as she took her turn to get a better look at the boy she called her son. Within the unit was a portion of Yui’s spirit, giving her the feeling of real motherhood. It broke Kaworu’s heart to see her, but he knew that without her, Shinji’s life would have been more of a mess than it was now._

_Yui took her time, gently combing her hand through his hair and singing a soft refrain from a song Shinji had liked since he was very little. She left shortly after that, the sound of the front door opening and closing signifying her exit. Kaworu closed his eyes and waited for his turn to face his fate._

Kaworu was shocked out of his trance quite literally. There was a sharp electrical burst that came from inside of his head, causing the rest of his body to react against his will. He glared up at the shadowy figure that stared at him from the opposite side of the bright light that shone directly in his face once his body was no longer writhing. Kaworu seemed unfazed by these things once the pain of electricity had subsided, leaving his limbs with a tingling numbness that he did not agree with. “Good morning,” Kaworu said with a smile, warranting himself another shock, albeit with lower voltage. His teeth were practically stuck together this time, and he stared at the wall as he waited for an excruciating amount of time for the electrocution to end. Once again he regained control of his body, trying his best to slowly regain his breathing.

“What did you do with Shinji?” A calm voice spoke up, no doubt from behind the heavily protected glass prison he liked to look down at people from. Kaworu knew that voice quite well, and its owner made him feel that deep rooted rage he’d gotten painfully acquainted with earlier. He laughed softly, his head lolling to the side for some dramatic effect.

“You know the answer to that already. I don’t doubt you have that cruel machine tell you everything that goes on. What is it with humans and needing to find substitutes to excuse their inability to show affection?” He scoffed. “It would have been less painful if you had just raised your son instead of being such a cowa-“ He was cut off by a clean right hook from the guy doing the shocking. The metallic taste of blood met his tongue quickly, and he could not help but smile. “You are already less of a man than your son is. Come down here and deal with me yourself, won’t you? Am I not important enough for you to get your hands dirty?” With every additional hit Kaworu seemed unfazed, reacting in the moment as one would when getting punched in the diaphragm but still having enough spite to wheeze out another indirect insult.

“I am not amused by your jabs, Nagisa. You are to do as you are told, or you are no longer allowed back on the surface. It is as simple and easy as that.” Gendo’s voice remained just as poised as before, but Kaworu could still see him. He could tell that the man was bothered by his words, by his sudden unwillingness to cooperate. “Tell me how it is that you failed the simple task of bringing him here? You could do the job before, and I’ve told you that Shinji will not suffer the same fate as the others. He is more valuable than you, than them.” Gendo seemed coercive now, and Kaworu became silent, choosing to continue to stare at the commander as he considered his reply.

“For the same reason you value him,” he finally offered. The man would not get a straightforward answer out of him, and Kaworu was eerily more comfortable with the idea of his own death than that of Shinji’s. His only regret would have been in leaving Shinji alone like this, in a time where he needed it the most. “I cannot tell you anything more. He is as you said and more, and I find that he’s easier to sympathize with than a delusional old man who refuses to be a proper f-“ Kaworu swore as the man swung at him again, leaning back just enough to miss it by a hair. He knew his satisfaction would not last long, his attacker’s other arm swinging to land a solid punch on his middle, no doubt rupturing something.

The blood that he tasted now came from the back of his throat, leaking from his nose a little. “I’d sooner die than bring him here. You have already obtained what you want, what else could you possibly desire?” Kaworu sounded exasperated now, uneasily eyeing the choice in torturer today. “You have the map. You have operational EVA that don’t require a pilot. I am nothing but a fragment of what I once was, and you still try to find use for me. You need me to be the key, and I've offered to take that responsibility. Is that not enough?”

“You cannot even fathom what going to happen now. You must follow your orders, and if you ever want to see that boy again, you’ll listen. It is not enough to be the key; you must bring him here. Unless your next plan is to have him being forced to break. I'll be sure to make you watch if that is what I must do." Gendo’s voice was matter-of-fact, and Kaworu’s blood boiled at the very thought of the man kidnapping his son and implanting him with something that could potentially kill him, forced to endure the various and uniquely shitty methods of extraction NERV liked to use. The night wore on for longer than he would have liked, his body screaming to be let free but his mind remaining closed off. Anything else they did to him that night was to try and fail to get information from him that he would never disclose, his agreement to his next orders already having been given.

“I cannot wait until I can wrap my own hands around your throat and watch the life leave your eyes,” Kaworu hissed, his voice cracked and raw and his body covered in bruises and blood. “Maybe I’ll do the same for Shinji. Mercy killing.” He spat on the ground, not amused by being pushed to his body's limits.

“That is enough from you, Nagisa.” Gendo began to walk away, clearly finished with the unsuccessful interrogation. A man came from the shadows and gagged Kaworu, making him choke involuntarily. “You have accepted the terms. You will fulfill your mission this time or we will kill you, and if you are lucky he might see it happen. I’ve even been gracious with you. I’ve given you more time. See to it that you don’t waste it again.”

Kaworu was dragged from the interrogation room and tossed unceremoniously into the sterile white cubicle that was formerly his prison. His books still sat there in their slightly tilted stack, his imitation of a painting still open on the desk, dried up and forgotten. It was here Kaworu spent the next few days, recovering enough to be tossed back up into the real world. He stumbled to his feet, squinted at the beginnings of the sunrise on the horizon, and began to walk.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been four days, and Shinji was not okay.

Four long and agonizing days had passed since Shinji’s discovery of his mother’s death and the mysterious disappearance of his classmate. Four days had passed where he lived in nothing but grey area, feeding himself something meager and easy each day and falling asleep at awkward times, his circadian rhythm disturbed enough to have him waking at odd hours of the night. Sometimes he would feel nothing, and other times he allowed silent tears to slide down his cheeks, into the sides of his neck where they became uncomfortable. He would never bother to clean up until the morning came. Four monotonous days where he did not even participate in his usual routines, breaking the cycle in favor something even more mind numbing.

The fifth day was a school day, and he was growing tired of the constant ringing of his phone, messages popping up every few hours to ask him if he was okay. Shinji hated those questions. He was the furthest thing from okay, he’d found out that his mother wasn’t real and his father… well, he hadn’t heard from his father since the incident. He had only assumed that he knew what was going on and, as always, refused to tell him. Shinji hadn’t felt anything like that in the stretch of blankness that occupied the beginning of the week, and he took it as a sign that he should at least attempt to go somewhere. It was what his mother would tell him to do.

Shinji left his home earlier than usual, catching Rei on her way there. She was eager to approach him, picking up the pace to catch up. “Shinji!” She called out, knowing from his body language that he wouldn’t wait up. She panted softly as she finally made it, looking over at him curiously and making a show of inspecting his face. “It’s nice to finally see you out and about again,” she commented, knowing well enough to avoid certain questions. She hadn’t known Shinji as long as Asuka did, but she had a basic understanding of what to do in a situation like this. Hypothetically, of course. When she got no answer, she decided to stay quiet for a moment, continuing to glance over at him to see if his expression had changed.

Since there seemed to be no right way for her to speak with him, Rei simply stopped her sidelong gawking and instead quietly accompanied him to class, both of them taking turns to wait for the other in silent agreement. Shinji couldn’t ignore his friends forever, especially since they were really worried about him. It was nice to know they cared, but the discovery made Shinji entirely too uneasy. Who else was a creation of his father’s? There was no way he could tell, aside from knowing most of them since he was a kid. There had been a period where Shinji’s mother had gone on a long-winded business trip and left him alone with his father, who seemed far more willing to interact with him then. When his mother returned, Shinji thought nothing of her trip, and the memory had receded into the darkest parts of his brain, a loose reminder. He couldn’t think of any gaps with the four people trying their best not to huddle around his desk to make sure he was at least operational enough to interact with.

As the day progressed, Shinji had begun to slowly open up again, tentatively piping up in certain conversations and quietly slipping back into his shell. By the time the school day ended, Shinji was in a slightly better mood, even if he wasn’t looking forward to going home. He knew that without his mother, his father had no reason to come back, leaving him alone in the house that made his heart hurt. The next day lined up to be the same, but as Shinji closed the front door behind him, he received several texts from both Asuka and Rei. They sent their messages in rapid succession, making him slightly annoyed with the onslaught of messages while he made attempts to read them. Strange, but from the looks of it they seemed to be telling him not to come in. Shinji grew irritated, typing back his frustrated response in between being interrupted by three more. Just as he was about to hit send, Shinji looked up reflexively, making sure he wasn’t going to run into anything while being so intent on checking his phone.

That was when Shinji saw him.

He could not believe what his eyes were telling him, stopping dead in his tracks to stare him down, lest he try to make another getaway. Shinji was relieved at first, so incredibly happy that at least one of the two had survived, but his mood soon soured and he began his swift, long-stride approach towards the other, each sound of his heavy footsteps loud enough to be heard. The shift in mood was not lost on the other boy, and while he braced himself for impact he was quite surprised when Shinji delivered, decking him straight in the face and knocking Kaworu back a few steps. “Who do you think you are, just appearing out of nowhere like that?” Shinji advanced, and once more Kaworu allowed himself to take the full brunt of Shinji’s second blow, his knees growing a little weaker. “Why now? Why did you wait so long? Where did you even go?! What did you do to my mother?” Shinji’s voice had raised quite considerably, his unchecked anger pouring out of him.

Kaworu wiped the corner of his mouth, still looking just as happy to see Shinji as he was a few moments before. He did not smile, knowing the seriousness of the burden Shinji was forced to bear, but he wanted to. “I’m sorry, Shinji. I didn’t want you to see what she had to do. Your mother sacrificed herself to keep you safe, and I did not know what I could do. It was the safest option for you.” He knew his meager explanation would not suffice, so he tried his best to answer again. “I did not want to be away from you for so long, I… thought that you’d need some time away from things that would overwhelm you. I did not want to be one of those.” It would have been the truth if he was willing, but he could not disclose anything to Shinji. He couldn't let the other boy become ensnared in the wrong side of the dark machinations happening without his knowledge He couldn’t stand the way the anger left Shinji’s eyes, along with any other protests he might have had. Kaworu wanted Shinji to hate him still, to demand answers as he had days before. He was conflicted, but he hesitantly reached out to touch Shinji, fearing the worst.

Shinji could not say if he believed Kaworu or not, but with the strange way he often acted, he wasn’t quite sure he didn’t believe it. Shinji stared at him for a moment, then closed the distance between them, desperately craving Kaworu’s touch as he wrapped his arms around him, clinging to the back of his shirt. He desired anything that he felt before this mess had been made. The silver haired boy was happy to indulge him, pulling Shinji closer and reveling in the chance to press himself against Shinji, to feel his face near his neck. It was even more delightful that Shinji was conscious to return his affections, even if he felt bad for being so incredibly happy, despite Shinji's circumstances and the way that his body ached. His fingers combed through Shinji’s hair, his lips finding his forehead. “I am truly sorry, Shinji. I can only hope you do not hate me.” He closed his eyes, not wanting to let go.

Shinji’s initial response when they had made contact was reflexive, relaxation making his troubles melt away. He still felt wrong somehow, and it made him wonder what it was that Kaworu truly apologized for. His eyes remained open despite him squeezing the other, like the additional pressure would remove the sadness that plagued his heart. He let go of Kaworu with a quiet sigh, his head tipping down again. Kaworu refused to let that continue, curling a finger under Shinji’s chin and lightly lifting his head up. Impulsively, Kaworu made the leap, pressing his lips to Shinji’s in an attempt to do everything in his power to make Shinji feel okay again. Kissing Shinji was the most gratifying experience ever, something he wanted from the very beginning. It didn’t last long enough, but he worried about Shinji’s reaction, their argument seeming like a far-off memory.

The kiss made Shinji greedy for another. He found that acknowledging these feelings instead of trying to suppress them for his own denial was easier now that he clarified things, and it provided a much-needed distraction from everything else in his life. His face became red hot when he realized that this had indeed been his first kiss, and the fact that it was with Kaworu doubled that embarrassment. Kaworu was pleased to see the reddened face so quickly, but he was curious of its cause. When Shinji gave him the answer, he seemed intrigued. “So the first kiss is something special, is it?” Kaworu smiled, and Shinji didn’t bother repressing the way it made him feel, giddy to be once more in the presence of the other. “Well, if it’s any consolation, you are also my first kiss.” He kissed Shinji again, more than just the soft connection they shared earlier. He was just as eager to experience this with Shinji, his own body reacting in ways he was unaccustomed to. There was this raw, carnal feeling that he enjoyed, only rearing its head when he was fortunate enough to get close to Shinji, and even then just barely. This was entirely different, and Kaworu was _excited._

It was an odd place for them to make out, certainly. They were in the middle of the sidewalk, next to a rather busy road, kissing each other like their lives depended on it. Kaworu had enough awareness to break the messy string of kisses but not moving back any further, his eager gaze boring into Shinji’s. “You make me feel amazing, Shinji Ikari,” Kaworu’s hushed voice making him shiver. “It is far too good for me, I don’t deserve it, but I want it anyway.” He smiled against Shinji’s mouth, his arm snaking around his waist while his other hand came up to bury itself in his hair, fingers curling so that he could gently tilt Shinji’s head back in such a way that it didn’t seem too lewd from a bystander’s view. Even if he was sucking dark marks onto the side of Shinji’s neck and repressing the urge to touch every inch of Shinji’s body right there in front of someone’s poor grandmother who was just trying to get her errands done.

“Will you let me stay with you?” He whispered against Shinji’s neck, soaking in this moment like it was his last. Shinji nodded, his heart pounding and his head swimming. He noticed the tightness in his pants just moments after they separated, shifting awkwardly to walk back home. The whole walk was just the pair quietly trying their best to get back to his house faster, Shinji’s hands tucked into his pockets and Kaworu’s casually swinging with his stride. The moment the door closed behind them, Shinji sighed shakily, not at all calmed down from their very public display of affection. He was still somewhat unsure, no longer as blinded by the earlier conflict, yet most of it had to do with it being his first time being any kind of intimate in this way.

Kaworu seemed well versed enough, inspecting his marks proudly before creeping up on Shinji again, running his hands up along his back and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “Shinji,” he crooned, the boy belonging to the name humming in response. “I want to devour you.” The words were strange and terrifying and still found a way to turn Shinji on. “I want you to give me every part of you until you are mine alone.” The dark note of possessiveness had Shinji biting his bottom lip to keep himself from making any embarrassing sounds. Kaworu hadn’t even touched him yet. It was like Kaworu wanted him to be this way as he lazily pressed a kiss to the corner of Shinji’s jaw. “Will you give yourself to me, Shinji?” He adored saying the other’s name. Each time he said it he got some response, even if it was barely noticeable.

Shinji’s response was delayed, his mind blanking and his mouth non-cooperative. His voice trembled the way he convinced his body not to. “Yes,” he wanted to hide his face somewhere. “As long as you don’t leave me again.” He hated sounding so childish, but he said something right because Kaworu turned him around right there and pinned him against the wall across from them so he could look directly into Shinji’s heavy lidded eyes.

“I will never leave you, Shinji. I am yours forever, if you’d like.” Forever, and he meant it. He didn’t know how, but it wasn’t something he wanted to worry about. No, Kaworu would rather occupy himself with muting any other blubbered responses Shinji was attempting by kissing him, his hands running up along Shinji’s sides and back down again slowly. He was eager to press himself up against Shinji now, his knee sliding between Shinji’s legs and giving him something to touch for the time being. Shinji almost moaned into Kaworu’s mouth as he rocked his hips forward at the same time Kaworu decided he wanted to try putting his tongue in Shinji’s mouth.

These kisses were entirely different than the ones they shared before, earlier on the sidewalk. Each one melted into another, but they were no longer as messy or impatient. No, now Kaworu would savor this, each taste he got of Shinji’s tongue, his lips, everything. He would leave nothing behind. Shinji could tell that Kaworu was being less pushy, and while he liked both sides of him, Shinji appreciated the way he slowed down, even if it wasn’t for his sake. Kaworu unbuttoned Shinji’s shirt, pushing it over his shoulders just as quickly as he pulled off the one underneath, exposing Shinji’s torso. Kaworu thought to himself about just how beautiful Shinji looked then, his expression lost and his hair a mess and Kaworu’s pale hands tracing over every bump and curve of Shinji’s body.

Kaworu’s mouth followed the trail he’d left earlier, kissing and marking his way down Shinji’s chest until he could no longer stand up straight. He was eager to kneel before Shinji, looking up at him as he swiped his tongue over the curve of his hip, as if asking for his permission. His hands were unable to keep still, one running along his thigh while the other pressed against Shinji’s cock, rubbing him through his pants. Shinji couldn’t hold back the soft groan at the contact, his eyes fluttering shut to seal the embarrassment away. He was excited in knowing his shameful fantasies were becoming reality before his very eyes, but he knew he would blow if he kept watching Kaworu do what he wanted.

“Please,” Shinji croaked, pushing himself into Kaworu’s hand a little too eagerly. Kaworu could sense something different, but it made him just as eager to hear Shinji and his cute attempt at begging.

“I didn’t catch that,” Kaworu replied, backing his hand off just enough and toying with the button on Shinji’s pants. “Can you say it again?”

“ _Please,_ Kaworu, please keep going,” Shinji begged now, his voice nearing a whine at that point. He didn’t want to be teased, but he somehow knew it was going to happen. It made Shinji flustered enough to look away as Kaworu complied, making quick work of Shinji’s pants and gently tugging them off of his hips. His blush worsened when Kaworu took him in his hand and planted sloppy wet kisses up the length of his shaft, languidly circling the head with his tongue before parting his lips and doing exactly what he said he would.

Shinji could hardly stand the teasing, but his body tensed up as the warm wetness enveloped the tip of his dick and slid down slowly. Shinji’s hand was in Kaworu’s hair before he knew it, and he did his best to refrain from pushing Kaworu’s head down to swallow him whole, soft moans of Kaworu’s name tumbling from his lips. Kaworu was eager to please and it showed as he grew more confident with Shinji’s cock stuffed in his mouth. He picked up a slow rhythm at first, getting the hang of the movement while driving Shinji up the wall, then began to move faster, taking more and more of Shinji down every time. He stopped when his throat protested, using the hand not wrapped around Shinji’s leg to hold the base, saliva already pooling in the space between his thumb and index finger. Kaworu pulled himself off only to breathe, panting softly as he switched to stroke Shinji’s slick length, shifting a little to adjust himself. Shinji was somewhere far away, his arousal making everything hazy. All he wanted was Kaworu. Kaworu’s mouth, his hands, his body. He wanted everything all at once, and it made it difficult for him to think straight.

It was Kaworu’s turn to switch once again, but now he wanted to try something. He was slow once more, met with Shinji’s whining protest, which was almost immediately cut off by a sharp, shaky gasp as Kaworu relaxed himself to the best of his ability to fit Shinji’s cock down his throat. The feeling was more intoxicating than before, as if being able to take him deeper into his mouth was far more satisfying for him than what he had done before. He felt wrong, pulling back slowly just to do it again. His body was telling him that. Kaworu loved it, the slow bob of his head accompanied by the obscene display of Shinji filling him up again sending a delightful shudder through him.

Shinji could not help himself; He was far too close than he would have liked and the last thing he wanted to do was to pull himself out, so he shoved Kaworu’s head down without warning, rolling his hips in and out of the boy’s mouth. He didn’t move Kaworu and Kaworu didn’t move; instead, Shinji started fucking the tight wet hole that constricted around him. He liked this one, this one had a tongue to lick him with, to try desperately to slide along the underside of his cock. Kaworu was so gorgeous then, eyes watering and saliva dripping from the corners of his mouth as he fought with the intense urge to gag. He could feel Shinji’s pace grow erratic, and Shinji could feel himself getting closer and closer, moving Kaworu’s head instead now to push and pull him up and down, up and down, up and all the way down, his body tensing as he shoved Kaworu’s face directly into his groin, cumming down his throat.

Kaworu struggled then, bracing himself against Shinji’s legs as his obedient mouth was used and gagging almost instantly as the hot seed shot into his throat. Shinji let him go the moment Kaworu gagged, and the boy pulled himself up and off, coughing and cupping his hand in front of his mouth to catch anything that decided it wanted to come out of his mouth. His breathing was ragged, as was Shinji’s, the latter of which slumping against the wall, taking the moment to step back and really appreciate what Kaworu had done.

“I’m, sorry,” Shinji panted softly between words. “I didn’t, mean to,” in reference of course to his arousal taking control of him in the heat of the moment. He felt bad for Kaworu because he had been forced to choke down his length, but Kaworu looked somewhat pleased with himself, staring up at Shinji, redfaced with bright watery eyes.

“Don’t. Don’t be sorry.” Kaworu tried to slow his breathing, ignoring himself to the best of his ability. “I want you to do whatever you want with me, Shinji. Anything you desire.” He leaned against the other’s leg, licking his lips. He could still taste the bitter tang of Shinji’s cum, and it made him crave more. Shinji saw the look on his face, and companied with his words, he could feel the slightest twinge of arousal once more, unsure of how to _not_ be turned on when Kaworu was on his knees telling him to do whatever he wanted to.

Shinji found himself stuck in the same predicament as he had been in the first night, fighting to say exactly what he wanted. “I…” He swallowed to try and alleviate his dry mouth. “I want you to _fuck me, Kaworu.”_ Shinji covered his face with one hand, while Kaworu slowly stood, pulling his own shirt off and cleaning his hands off on it. He wore a whole Cheshire Cat grin now, and Shinji was both scared and turned on. Again.

“Let's go to your room, Shinji."


	7. Sorry

Hello, nya. This is a bit of a cocktease, but I am going through and making some edits to previous chapters, as I am writing this one. This should be a chapter before you know it, so I encourage you to go and re-read the previous ones to get reacquainted if you’re digging that, nya.


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